Out of Bella and myself, I am not the writer on this blog.
She will tell anyone, and I will agree, that I have trouble putting into words how I feel on the best of occasions. Generally I like my pictures and blog titles to tell the story that is in my head at the moment. I’m rarely moved to write, and even more rare are the times that I write about major changes and upheavals in my life, because that is what my Facebook is for. I can leave blurbs and shitpost to my heart’s content, and occasionally write about real things. For as much as I share on my social media, I really am an intensely private person when it comes to my relationships, mostly based on past experiences.
So when I decided to myself that I wanted to write about my new relationship, I was sort of surprised. It’s been something that while I haven’t been ashamed of or tried to hide…it’s just not something I really speak about to people who aren’t in my circle, or who aren’t in the same sort of lifestyle that I am in, or who aren’t open minded enough to understand.
I am in a polyamorous relationship with my best friend and her husband.
Bella and I have called each other sister for going on seven years now, and there is no other woman I trust in either world as much as I trust her (with the exception of my RL mom and younger sister), and our progression to collared sisters has felt so natural and…right. I never ever would’ve guessed when I first met her that we would end up where we are now…even two years ago, I never would’ve imagined it. It’s not something that ever crossed my mind. I love her with everything that I am, but it just…never was something I thought about or even considered.
See, I grew up around this lifestyle in RL. My father is a polyamorous Dominant, and his first girl is my stepmom. I remember being introduced to his partners during various points of my life, and it was always the ones who stuck around for years at a time that I met. So the idea of polyamory has been with me for a very long time…half my life, at least. I’ve always loved the idea of non-monogamy, because I truly believe that there is not one single person in the world who can be everything that I need. I love the idea of loving many people, be it sexually or platonically. But…two things stopped me and made me think that it wasn’t the right fit for me: I am a very possessive and territorial person. I thought for a long time that I wouldn’t be able to share my lover. Or that I would want to share my partner with another man or woman. I also never was able to find the right combination of people to make it work for me, so I resigned myself to monogamy for a very long time, and in the process I sort of…lost myself. I lost my submissiveness for a long time as well, by giving my heart and soul to a man who didn’t deserve it, and who ended up leaving me at a time that I needed him the most…but we won’t go into that.
I was resigned to accepting the fact that I would have to be monogamous for the rest of my life. I didn’t believe that I would ever find someone who would understand me, or be able to touch on some of my deepest desires and needs. That’s when Bella introduced me to her husband. I had met the guy before, at their wedding…and while I appreciated him as a person, he seemed like sort of an arrogant jackass. (He still is, to this day…but I see a different side of him.) My ex boyfriend was starting to come around and poke his head back into my life, and it was giving me all sorts of mixed feelings…and I tend to make bad life choices with my lady station, to put it sort of eloquently. Bella sort of pushed her husband and I together, because we had shared sexual interests. Along with being a submissive, I am also a sexual masochist. That plays heavily into my identity as a woman and as a submissive partner, and the depth of my masochism scares potential partners off. He wasn’t fazed by anything that I had revealed to him, so I figured…eh, why not. He wants to play with me and I needed a distraction.
Months later, I came to know him in a different sense. Somehow he snuck in behind my walls. I got to the point where I couldn’t wait to talk to him about anything, to be able to hear his voice, and just to spend time with him and my sister together. I felt safe for the first time in ages. I felt like I was home.
I didn’t realize that I was falling in love with him. It took Bella to point that out to me. And I bucked against it when she made me see it. I tried to deny it, to make it…go away. I didn’t want to feel that way, because what if he didn’t see me as anything but a distraction? I wasn’t ready to deal with rejection, I wasn’t ready to put my heart out there and have it stomped on. I have a lot of trust issues with men, and I have a hard time opening my heart and soul up to them. It’s a scary thing, and it put me in a weird headspace after I realized it. But I ended up summoning my courage after a weekend of sulking, internalizing, and being sort of snappish at him and other people, and I confessed it to him while we were killing mobs in Guild Wars 2. I told him I was catching feelings for him, I didn’t know what to do, that I was scared, so very scared to tell him…I asked him if he felt the same at all for me, and if I could call him a different title than what I already called him before. When I heard him say “of course, Kitten. And by the way, I sorta have feelings for you, too” to me, my heart sorta went all gooey.
I wish I could say that everything seamlessly fell into place, but I would be a liar. Relationships like this take a lot of talking, a lot of patience that I didn’t realize that I have. I still haven’t quite gotten the balancing act of communicating equally with my sister and Daddy down yet, but it’s a work in progress. Bella and I are both very emotional women, and very passionate…and sometimes we take things that we’ve said to each other the wrong way, and make big deals out of it. I’m more guilty of it than she is, because I have a very fiery temper and a habit of speaking/typing before thinking about what I’m going to say, that can usually end in hurt feelings and ruffled feathers. Every day is work. But the work is really worth it, because it means that I get to be with the two people who live in my heart. I know that I will always have them both, and the love they have for me gives me such joy in my life. I feel peace when I think of them, and that’s something I haven’t felt in a very long time.
Hair: ::Exile:: @ ~Uber~ Shape of You – All or Nothing
Collar: **RealEvil Industries** Raven Collar – Lock v2.1
Dress: [Cynful] @ Collabor88 September 2017 – Subdue Dress [Fatpack]
Shoes: REIGN. Posie Gladiator Heels- Mega Pack