Chandelier

Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I have been listening to this song on repeat for about a week and a half and I have no idea why.  The pictures and the styling were inspired by Sia.  I had no idea what I was going to write in this post.  I don’t like just putting something up and I have always included a quote or lyrics that were in someway tied to the theme of what I am writing about.  While it’s a great song – the lyrics, if you listen to them are incredibly sad.  RL hasn’t been sad, just incredibly frustrating with car issues and the stupid little bipolar flare up.  SL – well, is SL.  There was a rough patch for a bit with a former family member – but while it was hearbreaking, not really surprising once I got past the initial feelings.  She did what I always knew she would do cause she’s done it to others in the past.  So I was really kinda lost as to what to write…until I made the mistake of profile stalking an ex of mine.

I’m the one “for a good time call”
Phone’s blowin’ up, ringin’ my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink
Throw ’em back, till I lose count

Now I need to preface this by saying for almost two years I have been with a wonderful man in SL.  He gets me, I know he loves me..in fact there are few things I am more certain of in my SL or my RL…his love for me.  We are in an open relationship and I am also in a serious relationship (collared) to another man who I also love and am loved by – dearly.  In fact, this second man I met the same exact day as the aforementioned ex.  I wrote about this ex years ago on my old blog – La Vita Bella – after it ended.  At first it was sad, then my sadness turned to anger when I found out I was lied to.  It fucked me up….it fucked me up A LOT…to the point where I was almost not able to function in RL.  He seemed to have left SL then for a while.  Then for some reason last night – I decided to profile stalk him…and immediately felt like I had been sucker punched in the stomach….he was back and he was partnered.

Chandelier

I was in a call with my sissy and fellow blogger Caiti when this happened…along with my SL husband.  I felt like the wind had been taken out of my lungs.  Why?  Why did I feel this way.  I am no longer in love with him, haven’t been for a very long time. I thought I had gotten over it and the wounds had healed. But last night I felt raw and open. I remembered my life – both sl and rl – after things ended…I allowed this event to take me to a very dark and self destructive place in both lives. (I must stress that *I* allowed this…No one but me is responsible for how *I* react to a situation)

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

Caiti pointed out…I never got closure from him. I had to create my own — and apparently that doesn’t always work.  For some stupid reason I messaged this man and left an offline just saying in all sincerity I hope that he was now happy in his life. I can’t imagine anyone who did what they did to me being a happy person.

And I hate to admit it…but…I want that closure from him.  almost 3 years later…and I still need that. And I know I will probably never get it. Knowing how people are in SL and RL – I know that much.  I look back at how much I have grown since the time me and this man were together and I am happy….the relationship I had with him was the catalyst for that change and growth in me and for that I will always be thankful to him.  The time after the end was but a setback in my journey, but I overcame it…with the help of wonderful friends and family in SL. But I don’t know if it was the universe trying to kinda give me a heads up – but I realize this song…this was my anthem a few years ago.

But I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
Sia – Chandelier

Remember folks – Links denote sponsors.
Chandelier is no longer available for Sale – It’s From HEXtraordinary and was in a past Deco(c)rate.

Hair – Lychee – Analog Dog
Lipstick – Whisper Collection – Zibska
Necklace – Pearl Necklaces Combo – Maxi Gossamer
Dress – Cordelia Dress – Striped (Fatpack Exclusive) – GizzA Creations
Nails – My Long Point Nails (Vista Bento) – Puki!
Shoes – Ina Booties – United Colors
Poses – Di’s Opera and MaVie
Wall Textures – Wrecked Plaster – Nightmaire Textures
Chandelier (no longer available) – Winter Chandelier – HEXtraordinary

 

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