The Black Dog

“Even when I’m in a really great, steady and stable place… I’m clinically bipolar, so that always exists – a darkness always exists.”  Mary Lambert

I don’t often go into a lot of detail about my mental illness on my blog. I mention it.  I am diagnosed AD/HD and BiPolar Disorder Type 2.  The reason I don’t go into it a lot is because….well…it’s SL and sooo many people use it as an excuse to just act BADLY.  To me, the day I was diagnosed over 10 years ago, was the most freeing day of my life. I was NOT crazy (Ironically). I was sick. I have a disorder that, while the symptoms can be controlled for the most part with medication and therapy, it’s always there and the medications don’t take it away.

One crazy thing about BPD is that it’s not constant.  It’s been years since I had a really bad manic episode (and despite what people may think…Mania does NOT mean happy.  It is during manic episodes that BPD can do A LOT of harm to themselves and others with insanely reckless behavior).  Two side effects of mania can also be hallucinations – both aural and visual, and paranoia (which is why a lot of people who go undiagnosed think they are schizophrenic)

TL;DR – Had my first REALLY bad manic episode for the first time in 7 years last month. It was set off by events in RL.  At first I just thought it was cause I was eating better and losing weight.  I was feeling AWESOME.  I had gotten a new job…FINALLY out of retail.  Health Insurance..nights and weekends off…steady schedule and I wasn’t on my feet for 8 hours at the time listening to ungrateful entitled baby boomers bitch about why their year old bra was falling apart (they aren’t meant to last more than 100 washings really) woot.  Lost almost 30lbs in 2 months (went Vegan).  I had TONS of energy.  I was in, what I thought, was a good place

The Black Dog

But then I would also bite someone’s head off at the drop of a hat…and then laugh it off (10 to 1 it was my mom’s and let me tell you how much that woman does NOT deserve that.  I would be lost without her).  The 20th anniversary of my father’s passing is slowly creeping up on my family. I would be up almost all night BEING CREATIVE and get 2 hours of sleep. I would be reckless with my driving, zigging in and out of traffic going almost 100mph in my 4 cylinder Ford Focus (which just died the other day cause I blew the head gasket cause who needs to get their oil changed…I put more in!)…Having the body issues I have in RL, I show my hypersexual behavior in SL (thank god for open relationships huh).  But I still thought I was still in a good place….cause well…that’s what BiPolars do when they are manic.  We don’t see that there is a problem.  We FEEL AMAZING.  And then I was in the kitchen one day, in the house by myself, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone move in the next room….

I ran to it and there was no one there. I shrugged it off.  Must have been the cat.

Until it happened when I was walking the block from the parking garage to my office building.  That same black figure running past me just barely in my periphery. I turned quickly to where I saw the figure go and there was nothing…nobody there.

And that’s when I hit the brick wall.

I knew at that instance…I was in a manic state.

My heart dropped cause I knew what was coming fairly soon…the depression (my type is marked by a hypomanic state which is a mixture of the mania AND depression…good times). A few days later, the anxiety and paranoia kicked in..I dreaded going to bed each night because I was convinced I would fall asleep and not wake up, an elephant sitting on my chest so each breath I took felt beyond heavy.  Needless to say, it’s been a fun few months for me. (And yes, I am going to be seeing a doctor soon and yes I will be hopefully going back on medication..but unlike the meds for AD/HD, they can take weeks to take affect…so i knew from experience that I had to ride this one out.)

I have no idea why I am writing this.  Doesn’t have anything to do with the pictures I took or the clothes I wore in them. (PurpleMoon). Even now, as I write this I feel like my fingers can’t keep up with my thoughts. I feel the excitement building up inside of me for some strange reason.  Once I recognize the mood for what it is, it’s actually annoying and I want to bitch slap it (and no, I can’t just “calm down”..that’s like me breaking both your legs and then telling you to just “walk it off”)

Just something I had to get off my mind.  And I am grateful.  Oh so grateful that I have amazing people in my life who love and support me during these times.  Who don’t treat me like I am broken or defective (even when I am 110% sure I am). I am also so thankful that I am at a job that provides AMAZING health insurance and I can afford to get on medication, afford to get the therapy I require.  And this outlet right here.  This tiny little corner of the internet.

 

**LINKS DENOTE SPONSORED ITEMS**

(Upper Left Picture)
Hair – Lychee – Analog Dog
Choker – Vallari Neck Collar – Maxi Gossamer
Eyeshadow – Sylvie – Zibska June 2017 Powder Pack for Lelutka
Lipstick – Saira – Zibska June 2017 Powder Pack for Lelutka
Dress – Amelie Lace Halter Dress – PurpleMoon Creations @ SWANK
Shoes – Alexander Heels – Reign
Background/Poses – “Alley” Backdrop Scene – WetCat Poses & Lemon

Other Two Pictures
Hair – Olivia – Analog Dog
Makeup – Barbie Makeup – Studio Exposure Makeup June 2017 Powder Pack for Lelutka
Dress – Amelie Halter Dress (solid with lace dress on top) – PurpleMoon Creations @ SWANK
Background/Poses – “Dawn” Backdrop Scene – WetCat Poses & Lemon

 

 

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2 thoughts on “The Black Dog

  1. I love you, so very much. I’m unmedicated and have been for years, because I never was able to find the right combination of antidepressants and antipsychotics that would balance me out and not make me see and smell and hear things that I knew weren’t there. Medication scares the living shit out of me. For the past year and a half when I’ve felt my mania starting to come on that’s usually when I’ll take a big step back from SL, because I tend to do very self-destructive things just because I want to and it’s fun and who cares about the other person, I’m getting mine. You’re so brave to share this, sissy. I wish mental health wasn’t still seen as a weakness, a stigma. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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